When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
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I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!