Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers