“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right