Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
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*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.