Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
A short story of betrayal:
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After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
what’s more important?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.