My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
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Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
lol
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.