When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
You Might Also Like
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.