The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
You Might Also Like
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.