1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
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wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*