I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
You Might Also Like
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Yes my dude
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing