I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again