Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
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[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.