*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
they split up moments later
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I triple waxed for this?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.