Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
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still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.