[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
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Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.