[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
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I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground