THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
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As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
decorating my apartment
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.