99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.