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I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Trumpy Cat
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh