My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
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Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.