“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Hot hot hot 🥵
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪