Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
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*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway