“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
nice challenge
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Pikachu found the lost joint
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.