My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
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Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes