if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
You Might Also Like
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
This headline is a thing of beauty
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”