one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
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I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Happy Star Wars day!
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH