[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Happy Caturday!
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.