wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
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ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes