The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.