Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
constantly working on myself.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.