What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
You Might Also Like
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Teach your children to beatbox
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them