My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
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Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.