Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
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I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
me and my fake scenarios
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Not now. I’m deglazing.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
This hospital has everything
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief