Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Weighing up my bread heating options
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
The French cow says MEUX…
Erm I’m gonna say no
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.