If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
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[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
dude it’s called proctologist
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.