When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
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I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
When he asks for feet pics
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
They’re called werewolves.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?