My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
what are they serving at kfc then???
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.