“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
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I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Me too
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
me and the Superbowl rn
Remember folks 😂
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Finally!
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants