If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8