If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
You Might Also Like
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.