Going feral. Y’all need anything?
You Might Also Like
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Ain’t no way
how to exercise your calf muscles
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
How about daylight saves us for once
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?