Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*