7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
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Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.