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I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Risking my life for fun.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet