13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.