Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
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That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples