90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
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If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one