Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
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The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
yall want some gasoline milk
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*