If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Art by Pastelkatto
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?