Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
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“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming